If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
You Might Also Like
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
…u ok Nintendo?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir