If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
😂🤣😂🤣
love it when they get my name right
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.