@AndyRichter: If you like airborne fecal matter you'll love being alive on earth
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@InternetHippo: MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out ME: What if he's already seeing someone MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship
@SequelsWeWant: Monsters, Inc. 3: It's harder to make kids laugh The Internet has made them jaded The monster need help They teach the kids to smoke pot
@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
@OohSnapItsChris: Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn't mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.