@AndyRichter: If you like airborne fecal matter you'll love being alive on earth
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@bromanconsul: sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
@SteveKoehler22: If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : "Their, there, they're. It'll be okay"
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*