@AndyRichter: If you like airborne fecal matter you'll love being alive on earth
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@3sunzzz: Tip from my mom: Always wear your bathrobe when at home. Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you're "just about to hop in the shower".
@ilovepie84: I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*