If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Breaking news:
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*