If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.