if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.