if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
HELP 😭
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.