If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
They got Raph!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.