If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Yup!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!