The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
what’s the point then??
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.