Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
You Might Also Like
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I’m tired tomorrow.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏