@jwoodham: If you like someone, pretend they're a charger and you're an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
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@AndyAsAdjective: people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I'm like a phoenix rising from molasses
@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
@iAmDelFreaky: Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire. So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.