If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Watermelon Boss!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?