If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.