INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just me?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.