@LindseyEllison2: If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
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@WritingWilkie: The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar's UP. That old man really loved his house.
@Brettagher: Friend: You can't believe anything in the papers these days. It's all fake news. Me: Even obituaries??? Friend: No, those are rea-- Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma's alive!
@jonnysun: HILLARY: donald-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: …trump-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: [smiling serenely] …is good TRUMP: --wrong. nno wait. nno. no, no
@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night. ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.