My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
You Might Also Like
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.