Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear