Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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Social Media and Real life
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
“Great, now I have to pee.”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
barbara was highly relatable
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…