If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
sensitive skin
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”