The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.