If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.