If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.