If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“HELP WITH CAT”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though