If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.