Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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You deplete me
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
normalize having existential bread
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”