I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
sugar glider wrangler
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The happy life.. 😊
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….