If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.