If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
two people or more is called a problem
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
adding to the discourse
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym