If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
You Might Also Like
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
When your man makes a valid point
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff