@Kyle_Lippert: If you look in your bathroom mirror & say "Donald Trump" 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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@Smethanie: I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
@BillFienberg: I'm 25, which means I'm just as far from 10 as I am from 40. Although, in terms of money and maturity, I'm still way closer to 10.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh. I figured she couldn't do any harm if she couldn't open it. She threw it at her sister's head.
@Probgoblin: I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.