If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.