@topaz_kell: If you look up my hair color history at the salon, you'll think I'm a unicorn.
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@StaceyShortcake: The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn't disappoint.
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
@slooberbie: "Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe." -me in every social situation
@AlexvanBeek: Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.