INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
In Canada they just call them geese
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…