The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Breaking news:
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?