Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Cardio Made Easy
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.