I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
You had me at “define legal”.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.