@ThatBrenna: If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you're hardcore.
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@Shade510: Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
@treywafer: Her: wanna dance? Me: I'm never gonna dance again Her: why? Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm Her: ? Me: sorry, I'm old...*Fml*
@panmidwest: GOD: no work on the sabbath or I'll kill you ISRAEL [hasn't had a day off in 400 years]: awesome! GOD: what ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
@InternetHippo: me: i just love traveling! my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about