If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
good work, detective
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I hate everything
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?