If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
bias laundering edition
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all