My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I need better friends
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.