@JumpingJesusH: If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, you drove far enough.
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@thepunningman: [hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.
@daemonic3: [grocery store] Ok, milk... Check! Eggs... Check! Tomatoes... Check! "Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?"