Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”