UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years