It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
as is their right
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me