If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage