If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
jesus christ confetti not now
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
lol
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?