If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.