If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.