If you love someone, let them sleep.
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
everyone has that one prude friend
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
she has a point
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.