If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
where the womens at?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.