If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.