If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.