me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
that wasn’t the question
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.