Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s