@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
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@IGotsSmarts: Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough.
@BradBroaddus: My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
@thenatewolf: Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze
@iamburtjarvis: her: what r u doing? me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have- her: oh god me:-a water filter.