@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
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@Jimmy_Smacks: When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"
@jergarl: I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
@jbringsmayhem: 9: do they drink beer in heaven? Me: I kinda doubt it... 9: does somebody check for it at the gate? Me: ...
@KalvinMacleod: I’m so hungry I could eat a hor— *horse walks by snorting aggressively* ticulturalist *horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*