My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.